We are weathering the storm, so to speak, and getting our 'to-do' lists done so we can get out of town in a couple of weeks and get to the warmer weather in Florida. And you know when you have a long 'to-do' list it is human nature to constantly pass over the least desireable 'to-do' items, and instead 'to-doing' the more interesting things like: bake cookies, re-stock the wine rack, read last Sunday's New York Times, organize photos of grandkids, watch old movies stored on DVR, etc... Well, the list had dwindled down to the last few remaining items which
really need to be done before we leave town, leaving us with things like: clean out rain gutters (honestly, with all this rain you would think they would flush themselves out!), license tag for cargo trailer, motorcycle licenses* for scooters...ummm...yea, that was about it. This was the big one we had been putting off since, hmmm, well... September?! We set our goal on getting our Tennessee "M-Class Drivers License" - both the written test and the road test completed before Christmas.
(*I know some of you are wondering why on earth we need a motorcycle endorsement on our drivers license since we are going to be driving SCOOTERS, which are, let's face it, about one step above the hot-wheels our kids had at the age of 4 and about on an even par with the 18 gear mountain bike I used to have but gave up because all the gear shifting was way too complicated, and it is only because our scooters are 150cc, which legally requires a motorcycle endorsement and we are rule followers, after all.)
Drive to the DMV to pick up Motorcycle Handbook Study Guide. Read the study guide. Easy enough. Ooops...says that you also need to study chapter 6 of the regular motor vehicle handbook to learn about Tennessee alcohol,drug & DUI laws.
Back to the DMV to pick up the motor vehicle handbook study guide. Read chapter 6. (OK - I have 2 issues here. First, it is NOT that easy to just drive to the DMV, or anywhere here really because we live about 40 minutes away from anything and the roads are windy, curvy, scary mountain roads and they are wet, icy and hazardous to travel so why weren't we informed that we needed BOTH books to begin with? Second, what is all the fuss about alcohol and DUI's...we can't even BUY alcohol in Sevier county!! Seriously.) OK. Study chapter 6. Good to go. Only problem is that the written test has to be taken (and passed) prior to scheduling the driving portion. Really? Take written test Monday, then take driving test Tuesday as that is the only day this month that rain is not forecast. Oh, no - the DMV is closed on Monday this week because they are moving to a new location. And Thursday. And Friday. And Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday next week because of the holiday. Really? OK. Take written test Tuesday, schedule driving test for Wednesday in spite of the 90% chance of flooding rain that is forecast.
After about the eleventh phone call to the DMV for clarification of scheduling, documents needed, etc., Paul called with one last question. "Since Tennessee does not have a learner's permit available for motorcycles, how do I get my scooter to the DMV for the driving portion of the exam? Do I have to trailer it (down the freakin' mountain) or can I ride it down for the driving test?" Response, "Well sir, ya'all can drive it if ya'all want to an' ah won' say nuthin', but if thar happens to be uh officer standin' behind me when ya'all pull up, well he's likely gonna write ya'all a ticket but it's up to ya'all to decide." We spent the next couple of hours unloading the crap we had stored in the trailer, hitching the trailer, and loading the scooter. In the rain.
Tuesday: We drive down the mountian to the DMV for the written exam, arriving at 11:30ish. The first sign we notice upon entering: "Wait times between 11am and 2pm may be longer." Really? When we make it to the front of the line fifteen minutes later, we explain that we need to take the motorcycle written exam. Yes, we have a valid Tennessee Driver's License. What? Why do we need to fill out the 3-part form titled: Application for Tennessee Driver's License. We just told you that we already have one. Just do it. And take a number...C-147 and C-148. And sit down and wait. Ten minutes later the sweet, automated voice on the speaker says "Now serving number A033 at counter 5". And, about every 10 or 15 minutes that sweet voice would call another random number. Sometimes it was an A number, sometimes a B number...never a C number because those were reserved for written test taking and there was no action happening in that department. Sometimes a person would make their way to the counter, sometimes not. It didn't matter because it was always at least 10 minutes between numbers. Sometimes it would call the same number three times in a row - over a 30 minute period. With no other numbers inbetween. Sometimes it would go backward and call numbers that had already been called an hour ago. Just because.
The fun part for the first 2-1/2 hours was watching how many people came in, waited in line only to be told that they didn't have the correct documentation for whatever they needed. Need to change your address... don't have a birth certificate, current license, bank statement, rental agreement, and phone bill in original envelope it was mailed in? Sorry. Need to surrender your Louisiana license for a Tennessee license... don't have a passport, signed lease, current vehicle registration, social securty card, and current payroll stub? Sorry. Need to replace a lost ID... don't have a current ID or license and birth certificate, payroll stub, passport and cable bill in proper envelope? Sorry. We were fortunate because we called first and determined that it would be best to bring our current license, passport, birth certificate, water bill**, electric bill, phone bill, direct TV bill, Christmas cards, high school yearbook, IRA statement...actually we just loaded the whole fire safe into the back of the car.
(**OK, don't even get me started on the water bill. When we bought this cabin we were assured that ESCUD, East Sevier County Utility District, was a solid public utility department. And after all, English Mountain has its very own 'bottled spring water' so the supply is good, right? We were told that our water bill would be $53.62 per month. No matter if we used a gallon or five million gallons of water - the bill was $53.62 per month. Really? Whatever. For the few weeks we actually lived here off and on the first year the 'random' and 'sporadic' water outages were no big deal. An hour here or there...a few hours here or there. We chalked it up to construction, or...really, we had no clue but the neighbors all seemed to just go with the flow (haha - get it?! I crack me up!). Then we were notified sometime last year that actual working meters were being installed and our monthly bill would reflect the amount of water used. This was great news for us since we were seldom there and it seemed silly to pay for water when we weren't even using any. Several months ago, our first 'new' water bill arrived... $53.62 PLUS $38.40 for actual water used. What? Really? So we still have to pay the $53.62 PLUS what we use? What kind of deal is that? OK, that wouldn't have been all that bad, but the 'random' and 'sporadic' water outages have become more and more 'frequent' and 'annoying' and 'predictable' and 'lengthy'. As in, if there are a lot of dirty dishes, there will not be any water. If it is time to take a bath, there will not be any water. If it is time to do laundry, there will not be any water. We have actually resorted to collecting rain water and boiling it... ok - enough of the water issue - back to the DMV!)
Still Tuesday: The clock ticked, the numbers were called and finally a breakthrough! That sweet, automated voice on the speaker said "Now serving number C-143 at counter 4". Hooray! We were only four test-takers away from finally getting to take our written tests. Finally Paul's number was called and he went up to the counter, exchanged documents...then was told to take a seat and wait. Are you kidding me? That is exactly like the 'switch & bait' routine used at doctor's offices - you get ushered out of the waiting room into an exam room and...wait some more. Then my number was called and I went up to the counter, exchanged documents... then was told to take a seat and wait. REALLY?! This is the point at which I noticed another printed sign tacked on the wall 'Failed exams cannot be re-taken for 7 days'. So if I don't pass the written test today, I cannot retake it until next Tuesday which is the only day next week that this office is open, then I cannot schedule the driving portion until after that if there are any time slots left open and that leaves me the option of about 30 minutes on the last day we are in Tennessee before leaving the state. Suddenly the urgency of the situation settled heavy on my shoulders. Perhaps I should have actually studied the motorcycle book instead of poking fun at the silly illustrations and idiotic sample questions...
Paul was summoned to computer terminal #2. Let the testing begin. Several minutes later I was summoned to terminal #3. I settle in, begin my exam. First question: In the above diagram, the vehicle colored red is a a) truck b) car c) bus d) boat. OK, maybe the studying wasn't all that necessary. After about 4 more questions I was beginning to wonder if I was taking the correct test since every question was referring to carrying passengers, busses, etc. I lean over to Paul and whisper 'Is your test asking motorcycle questions?' to which he replies in a hushed an nervous voice 'Yea, and they are really hard.'. So I get up and return to the lady at counter #3 and explain that I don't think I have the correct test. After a bit of confusion and questions between a couple of the DMV employees one of the ladies says 'Oh yes ma'am when ah intered yur test for tha motorcyacle taest it jus' bumped it out an I guess it went on down to tha naxt wun which is ahright if ya wanned to drive a taxi. haha'. Not really that funny to me, but I take pride in the fact that I had gotten every answer correct to that point! Then she says 'Well ya'all jus go on back an sit down there at the computer an ah'l reboot the thang so jus sit for a few more minutes.'. Allrighty. Finally, the correct test pops onto the screen and the fun really begins. 30 questions, must get 24 correct to pass. After the first fifteen questions correct I am feeling good about this...then a question about the motorcycle clutch/shift control combination...wait? What? I have a SCOOTER - there is no clutch. Crap - INCORRECT blinks on the screen. Next question: Tailgater following - what do you do? a) use obscene gestures b) honk your horn c) slow down d) move to the far right of your lane OK - I rest my case. I also picked D...INCORRECT. Seriously - the correct answer is C? Only if you have a death wish. Next question...INCORRECT. Are you kidding me? Three in a row? I started sweating after that. Out of the corner of my eye I see Paul approach the counter...I hear the DMV lady say 'Ahright Mr. Baieer, ya'all passed yer exam an that'll be thraee dollers.'. Paul passed and I just missed another one...are you kidding me?? Sweat is running down the back of my neck, I have lost count, the questions just keep coming at me, this test is lasting forever...INCORRECT! Crap - that is five! I can't miss another one. When will these questions stop coming... finally, TEST OVER. Thank the Lord! 'Ahright Maiss Baieer, ya'all passed yer exam an that'll be thraee dollers.'. Hooray! Then she fills out some more forms, fills in some blanks, and gives us each back the goldenrod copy of the Tennessee Driver's License Application with explicit instructions to bring that back with us when we take the driving portion of the test. Yes ma'am. Thank you ma'am.
Wednesday: We drive down the mountain (in the rain) back to the DMV for the driving portion of the motorcycle license exam. We actually got lucky and were able to find two open slots back-to-back at 11 and 11:30. All the way there we check and re-check our list - helmets? check; goggles? check; registration? check; insurance? check; rain gear? check; goldenrod copies from yesterday? check; gloves? check; passports? check; test confirmation printout? check; current licenses? check...on and on. Arrive early enough to unload the scooter from the trailer and start it up just to make sure the battery isn't dead! Check! We go inside the DMV and wait in line for a while. When we get to the front of the line we tell the DMV employee that we need to take the driving portion of the motorcycle test. She hands us each a clipboard with a blank Tennessee Driver's License Application form - but we just filled that out yesterday - here is the goldenrod copy we were told to bring back - what? We still need to fill out the exact same form again? Really? Why? Paul is telling me to be quiet and just do it. But why? Oh, and we also get two more numbers, D027 and D028 and we are told to sit and wait until our number is called. But we have a scheduled appointment...sit down and wait. But...
I was overjoyed when that sweet, automated voice came over the speaker and called D027 to counter 5! I was so excited, in fact, that I went with Paul with my number (D028) which would be called next anyhow, and we were kind of a 'two-for-one' package deal what with only one scooter, one credit card...you know! The DMV lady took Paul's information, asked several questions, filled out his form, told him that the examiner would be right with him, then she stood up, put her coat on and said that she was going to lunch but if I wanted to have a seat and wait until my number was called someone else would take care of me. Really? Eventually, someone else did and we both ended up walking outside with the examiner ready for the big driving test.
The DMV examiner did a check of all the basic operating systems (horn, lights, blinkers...yea, that's about all there is on a scooter) then she says to Paul 'Ya'all go on out of here, turn raight, turn raight agin, raight, raight and come on back here, jus' go 'round the block an' if ya don't lay 'er down or make me call 911 then ya'all pass'. Are you joking? So he goes around the block. Done. Then the skies open up and the torrential rains begin and it is my turn. Same deal - around the block without killing myself or anyone else. Easier said than done in the blinding rain! At the first stop sign I can't see out of my goggles between the fog and rain, and a city dump truck races past on the street centering on the biggest pot-hole possible, drenching me and my little blue scooter in filthy, muddy rainwater. Turn onto the 6 lane highway from hell realizing that I have never actually driven on wet roads before...please...just let me get through the next 120 yards...turn again...the parking lot is in sight...and there is Paul and the DMV lady chatting up a storm, not even looking at me?!? I guess I passed!
Back inside, more paperwork, more money, take pictures for new "M-Class" license. DMV lady says 'Now it'll take just a few more minutes so if ya'all wanna have a seat an fill out this customer service survey while ya'all are waitin' for yer new license, well, we sure would appreciate it'. Really? Paul filled his out with all 'excellent' marks because he feared he wouldn't have his new license handed over if he didn't. I left mine blank!
